How to Say Good-Bye to the “What-Ifs” of Life

What if that happens?
What if she really doesn’t like me?
What if they had an accident and are dead on the side of the road and no one knows it?
What if no one talks to me?
What if no one believes me?
What if I ruin my children?
What if I …what if that…..?

We are all so familiar with the whole what if scenarios. We create them in our mind and call it nice things like concern and planning. We pride ourselves on being full of forethought and caring concern for others.

We plan for every little contingency; we stress and worry. We stress and worry when we think we have no “what-ifs” to stress and worry about. We like them. We are fond of them. They drive us up the wall, but without them we think and fear we are nothing. We have no place and no purpose.

Dear reader, this is not where our purpose and place is found. It is not found in our frantic grasps for control. Our purpose is found solely in Jesus Christ.

“…there is but one God,the Father, from whom are all things, and we exist for Him; and one Lord, Jesus Christ, by whom are all things, and we exist through Him.”

1 Corinthians 8:6 nasb (emphasis mine)

Our purpose is His and to be His. He defines us and our place in this world. We live out our purpose when we surrender fully to His life in us and live from that place of complete surrender and obedience to Him. I’m sorry there is not other way, unless you like wallowing in worry and self-pity.

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The other night I was struggling with something I knew for a fact that Jesus had told me. I knew He led and directed my steps, but still my thoughts went to the what if route. The thoughts took me by surprise, I thought my confidence and my obedience to Jesus would negate them and their ability to strike fear in the pit of my stomach. I was wrong.

I have walked with Jesus through a lot of yucky stuff, I have learned to trust His voice and His heart, so when I heard His whispered voice in my ear, I listened. 

What ifs come from fear, not trust.

What ifs speak of our fears, mostly our fear of a loss of control. One thing Jesus has really been opening my eyes to lately is how much we think we are in control. I am sure most of our sins could be eradicated if we only realized the idolatry of our control. Our push and grab for control tells Jesus, “I don’t need You for this. I’ve got it. I’ll just worry, fret, stew and control everything and every part of it so You can just go help the people in Sudan. They need You.”

Oh how wrong we are! Oh how that flies in the face of grace. If we could control our way to heaven there would have been no need for Jesus to ever come to earth. If we could worry and fret our way out of situations, we wouldn’t need Him. But we so desperately do! We need Him more than we need air.

He is our Breath and our Life. He gives and sustains life. Not worry, not fret, not control. Jesus.

Oh dear reader, I know you’re tired. You’re weary and worn. And you’re trying so hard to not be. Give up your unending drive for control, give up all your what ifs and fears, and cling to Jesus. Only in Him is there the peace and joy you so desperately need.

Wildness to God’s Grace

There is a wildness and recklessness to God’s mercy and grace. Those who give into it are crazily changed by it. Life as normal ceases to be normal and takes on all the adventures of a roller coaster, without the terror, just the wide open smiles and laughter of drowning in His grace.

If someone had told me three years ago of this overwhelming sense of peace and joy, even in the midst of deep pain and hard, hard things, I would have laughed. If they had said the only way to get this was to give into the pain, surrender to it and the One who knows intimately the pain of suffering and loss, I would have thought them a stupid idiot.

So here I am. I am that person. I am telling you, in your place of pain, in your place of hard; there is joy, there is peace to be had in abundance as you surrender fully to the God who knows.

Then you will have to buckle your seat-belt because it will be a bumpy ride of grace and life and joy and peace and pain and hard and Jesus. He is in it all. You will find yourself months and years later, sitting outside on a frosty winter morning, tears running rivers down your cheeks as you reflect on His life in you, you’ll weep when you hear His voice again, you’ll feel the sting of tears in your eyes and nose as you contemplate how free life is, how He is doing things in and through you that boggle your mind. And then you’ll laugh with joy because you will know in the marrow of your soul that it is all Him, that truly without Him you would be so lost, so pain-filled. You would be defined by what you did, what was done to you, by anger, and bitterness.

Please know, dear soul, I do know pain. I know deep, heart-rending pain, pain so sharp you think you will die, and then you wish you would, or could. But you find, if you surrender in it and to it, there is a peace, a joy that comes with the pain.

It isn’t that I haven’t known despair or grief. It isn’t that my life has been miraculously made incredibly easy, it hasn’t been. There are still things that wound my heart and in my human-flesh-ness, makes me want to run so far, so fast in ten years time I’d still be running from all things painful.

But I’ve learned over the past months, that I’d be running from the very grace, the very peace and joy, the exact love I’m so desperate for. The road with Jesus might be bumpy, but it’s hell on wheels without Him.

Yes, the ride is bumpy, but it’s an exciting bumpy. It’s a life on the back of a Harley, wind whipping through your hair, eyes twinkling, mouth open in joyous laughter, arms straight up in gleeful celebration of all He is, all He has done.

The Peace of Advent

For a child will be born to us, a son will be given to us; and the government will rest on His shoulders; and His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:6

The Prince of Peace brings peace because He is Peace, and where He reigns, peace reigns. The fruit of His life–of His presence–is Peace. Those who are in Him have peace, they might not always recognize it, might not always feel it, or appropriate it, but they can never be without it. 

Because they can never be without the Prince of Peace. 

Grace and peace are so often linked in Scripture. Those precious souls who are indwelt with the Life of Jesus are drowning in both. His grace rains on us and His Peace rules in us, both draw us to Him wild, wonderful ways. 

The life of one indwelt by Jesus is marked, not with times of peace, but the never-ending, always there, Presence of Peace.

The child of God is never without peace and never in darkness. There is no “fake it until you make it” with Jesus. We don’t walk as children of light until we are, or until we feel we are children of light. We are children of Light, now walk like it. It is your identity!

It’s who you are just as much as your name is. The lies of the enemy keep us from realizing that we are no longer darkness and in darkness. 

For He delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the Kingdom of His Beloved Son.

Colossians 1:13

This isn’t a “slap a band-aid over that gaping wound of your soul so no one will see it” peace. This isn’t a “chant it until you believe it” peace.  This is a Believe It! No options. You either choose to simply believe it or you don’t. You can argue with it, but that is just arguing and not believing.  Arguing won’t change your life, believing will. Believing His never-ending, always on, always there, peace is for someone else but not for you is not believing it. 

Please, dear reader, hear my heart, you need to–no, you must–ditch the stronghold of “I am full of darkness!” or “I am darkness”. Admit and confess the lie of believing Jesus did not bring His Light and His peace to you. Then ask Him to speak His Truth, shine His Light on the stronghold and set your captive heart free. 

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me…to proclaim liberty to captives, and freedom to prisoners.

Isaiah 61:1

Now walk in the freedom and truth of who you are, A child of Light.

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The Important Reasons You need Friends of Both Genders

Many years ago, in a land not quite so far away, Jesus brought someone into my life. This began the very unlikeliest of unlikely friendships. This friendship spanned seven years when, again, according to the plan and purposes of Jesus, we were separated by distance and communication ceased.

Just why was this friendship so unlikely? Well, for starters I was a girl. The friend Jesus brought was, well, he wasn’t. This man, my first real friend, taught me so much about Jesus and friendships. The lessons weren’t learned all at once, in fact some of those lessons are still being learned now over 30 years later.

In case you happen to be wondering, the above is a more recent picture of my first friend. You see Jesus, again in His grace and by His plan, reunited us a few years ago.  He is still teaching me about Jesus, grace, and friendships. He has taught me what it means to be a real friend. He taught me that a real friend loves and love comes in many forms and sometimes includes hard things like correction. That looks like a friend saying, “Girl! You’re being an idiot and you need to knock it off!” Through it all they stick by you. They walk life’s hard path with you, they celebrate you, they correct you, but through it all they love you.

A few months after my friend and I somewhat parted ways, Jesus brought another man into my life as a friend. We were in college, both of us had and off beat sense of humor, and dearly loved to laugh. We also loved Jesus. A few years after this Jesus again, according to His plan and purpose sent us in different directions. For a time.

We had a sweet time of reconnection yesterday. We spent some time standing in a cemetery in a rainstorm until we were freezing and soaked to the skin. He met my family and I got to meet his youngest daughter. We both walked away from that reconnection tickled and full of Joy.

A year ago I attended a week long retreat. I knew that the retreat attendees would be divided into two groups. One group would go with the man leading the retreat and the other group would go with his wife. I prayed for weeks leading up to the retreat to be put into the “girl” group. I wasn’t. I was put with the boys. To say we connected on a deep level would qualify as an understatement. None of us sought it out. These men, in less than a week, became my friends and I am so very privileged to call them my brothers.

The thing about friends is while you can pick them, more often then not the friendship chooses you and comes from the most unexpected places and people. This friend and I did not search out a friendship but Jesus gave us one.

Friendships with men add something to our lives. We add something to their lives as well. We gain a different perspective, a diverse insight.

Jesus, Himself, had many women friends. Some of His closest friends were women, Martha and Mary, Mary Magdalene just to name a few. His first words after His resurrection were to a woman.

Today we seem to think it’s adorable for a little girl and a little boy to be close, even best, friends. This friendship can continue into and through high school, but then it has to end. Why? Why is it not okay for men and women to be friends?  Is it because in the words of Billy Crystal, “the sex thing always gets in the way”?

To that I will stand and cry FOUL at the top of my lungs. It’s not because I’m some naive woman who doesn’t understand. The men in my life, from my husband to my closest men friends, add so much richness to my life. I can not imagine not having these men walking through life with me.

All friendships are a special grace gift from Jesus. Male or female He sends them according to His will, by His design. To reject a friend because they are the wrong gender is to reject the gift of Jesus.

 

Of Lost Things

I recently had the opportunity to reconnect with an old friend. This friend is one I hadn’t seen in nearly 30 years. I had high hopes for our reunion. I planned my outfits carefully, and around our common interests. I wanted to look good. I wanted to act good. I wanted to be good. I wanted to be seen as different than I was 28 years ago.

During one of our conversations my friend looked me in the eye and said, “You and I, we’ve lost so much.” And it is a very true statement. Abuse, neglect, rejection litters our pasts and tempts to take over our present at times.

When my mind is allowed to look back over the things I’ve lost, my focus changes. It moves from “Man! I’m blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus (Ephesians 1:3)!” to “How much more do I have to lose? I’ve nearly lost everything as it is!”

And the voice of Jesus softly whispers, “You haven’t lost your life yet.”  I would listen and think, “You’re right. I haven’t lost what You lost for me.”

In reading Psalm 103 this morning, Jesus spoke again, “Who pardons all your iniquities; Who heals all your diseases; Who redeems your life from the pit…” I prayed those words and He spoke again, “You haven’t lost your life yet.”  He moved the focus from His death, which is important, to teach me a reality that I had been denying.

I was hanging on to my life, clutching it with both hands in a death grip all in a vain effort to not lose it, to hold on to one thing that no one could take away.

“And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who has found his life shall lose it, and he who lost his life for My sake shall find it.” Matthew 10:38-39

This was His message. “You haven’t lost your life yet because you’re hanging on so tightly to it.” 

In the Old Testament book of Ruth, chapter 1 we see the beginning of the story of Ruth and Naomi. Naomi lost a lot. She lost her country, family, what was familiar, husband, and children. Naomi chose the pit. She chose bitterness.

Ruth also lost. Ruth lost her country, what was familiar, her family, and her husband. But she chose the path.  She chose grace.

The question for us today is, which will we chose? When we’re faced with yet another lose, another loss, another thing we feel being ripped from us and leaving us empty, will we chose the pit of bitterness or the path of grace?

I’ve chosen the pit of bitterness and it isn’t fun, it is where ministry dreams go to die. But in the pit of bitterness we can chose differently. We can in that pit, when we’re buried in the scum on the bottom of the pit, we can chose the path of grace. When we make that choice, even in the pit, He lifts us out of the pit and places us on the Rock, that is Himself.

Let’s chose the path.

A little Grace

Recently we were dining out, it was a Sunday afternoon and the restaurant was busy. We had about a 15-minute wait. Once at our table our server came by to take our drink orders and almost immediately she returned with them. After she took our orders she said she was going to go put them right in and we should have our meal in no time.

We enjoyed our appetizer and didn’t notice that it had been quite awhile since we had ordered, our server goes by and says she’s going to check on our meal. A few minutes later she comes to our table and tells us she had forgotten to put our order in right away, and she offered to get her manager so they could do something with our bill.

All of our eyes are on this girl, brave enough to face hungry people and say “I screwed up.” Her question of getting her manager just hung there over our silent table for a pair of moments while we all looked at her, not quite daring to breathe.

Was it okay? Was it okay with us, the hungry family, that she had failed to do as promised?  Was it okay?

I thought of every time I’ve screwed up. And I remembered the cross on my wrist. The cross I’ve been inking into my flesh for months in hopes of reminding myself to live cruciform.

Live all give out in the shape of a cross.

Live all give out when someone else does something that isn’t okay.  Live as Jesus lived when I’m inconvenienced or kept waiting.

I found myself saying, “You know what, we all screw up. It’s okay.”

Because it is. It really is. We do all screw up. Your screw ups are no worse than my screw ups. Jesus’ love covers mine as well as yours. His grace is deep enough to cover them all. And if I’m truly living as a conduit of His grace, I have no choice but to extend it to you.

Jesus didn’t call us to be grace hoarders.
He called us to be grace givers.

Those chosen people who exhibit His grace and His character in all of our activities. Even those that squeeze us, inconvenience us.

Maybe by showing His grace and extending His grace is how we know we are given grace. Maybe that is how we feel grace. Maybe that’s why He requires it of us. Because He knows we’re nothing but grace beggars and if the broken hurting world is going to see His grace it’s only when we extend it.

We’re all beggars when it comes to grace. In myself I have none. None for me and definitely none for you. But in Jesus…in Jesus is found all the grace we could ever need. And He gives it freely to us.

So we can give it freely to others. It’s living in His grace.

So we can give it freely to others.

Something To Be Thankful For

“You were blameless in your ways from the day you were created, until unrighteousness was found in you.”(Ezekiel 28:15)

We were created blameless –perfect. Our default was righteousness.

But sin changed that. Sin brought shame, condemnation,  separation,  death and unrighteousness.

But Grace changes that! Grace brings healing, salvation, restoration,  covering, togetherness,  freedom and righteousness restored.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

rantings of a poor woman

Just a completely selfish post asking someone, anyone to, please, say something nice or good about me to me. I’m so tired of thinking, believing and hearing of my very many horrible mistakes and screw-ups. Of hearing how horrible I am.

Fallen so short of grace.
The very grace that reaches deep
Is very much out of reach.
To a girl like me.
Who screws up,
Messes Up,
Makes the wrong choice,
Says the wrong thing
All the time.
The wrong thing.
She rushes ahead
When she should be still
She is still
When she should be moving.
Talking when she should be silent,
Silent when she should be talking.
Will I ever get it right?
This dance of Good
This frolic of might.
Is there grace for me?
True grace?
For a Jesus screw-up like me?

Surely I’m good for something more than making coffee, right? I mean is that really all the good I have?

I know, girls like me aren’t supposed to ask these questions. They’re supposed to know the Truth and the Light and walk in His ways always. And that is my heart’s very deepest desire, but sometimes sin creeps in and takes my heart by surprise. I have my doubts that I’ll ever measure up to what He wants for me to be.

And then I know that I don’t have to measure up. Because in God’s economy I already do. He knows my doubts, my failings and He has taken them up on Himself so I don’t have to bear them anymore.I can walk free. Unchained. Unfettered.

But still the struggle remains. As long as I walk in this fleshly abode, I will question, I will doubt. I will weep. I will wail. I will cry for the injustices done to my soul. I will cry for His grace,

The very grace that right now seems so out of reach,
Just beyond my grasp,
Grace, grace, grace that reaches this leach
Grace that I can clasp
To my very soul, And remember
Jesus died for each
Doubt and Fear
That I clutch tight
In my fist
In my fight
For protection of myself.
Oh Jesus, let me let go of
Self. and Selfishness.
Be the only Truth
In my sense of helplessness
Let me give in to
Your grace
That flows over me
And makes my heart race.

Warm thoughts on a cold morning.

Happy 2015. Currently, the house is quiet except for my fingers clicking on the keys and the furnace ensuring we stay warm another day.

Or second at least.

I’ve been on a self-imposed hiatus from all things Facebook.  I wanted to spend more time with my family and friends in my day-to-day life, friends I could laugh with, share coffee with, not the friends who live inside my computer. It was good. It is good.

It is also January 1, 2015. I can’t believe it. I know to many New Year’s Day is a holiday, Mr. FullCup is off work, as are many people. But to me it’s just a regular day.

A regular day to watch football. all. day. long.

This year I don’t care at all about who wins the national title in college football. Unless it’s Ohio State. I’m sure that is the only game I’ll be watching.

We’ve been invited to friends for the day, I’d like to knock off some more painting. But really, football and friends will win. I can paint tomorrow.

I have learned over the years that the new year will come whether or not I’m awake to see it. I’ve adopted the habit of getting up around 5:30 every morning, which means I go to bed around 9:30. Needless to say, I was too tired to live last night. I fell asleep watching Holiday Inn, and finally went to bed around 11:30. I was done. So was Beanie.

So here’s to 2015. What will the year bring? What joys, what surprises, what happinesses, what tragedies, what sorrows, what troubles?

It doesn’t matter. We have been given grace-gifts and we will be given grace-gifts. Little gifts of His grace to praise and bless Him.

Books fall Open…

Yeah right…it’s more like books are slammed, thrown, yanked open and I fall in. Who can resist a book?

Who can resist a book by Max Lucado? Or who can resist a book about grace? That single element, character trait we all desire in others and yes, if we’re honest, we want in ourselves as well.  We’re often saying, “there but for the grace of God, go I”, which has always struck me as a nice way of saying “that person is an idiot” or if not an idiot, they are obviously a much bigger sinner than I am.  I am not sure the statement is even true. I don’t think God‘s grace can anymore keep us from sinning than we can walk to the moon. If God’s grace could keep us from sinning, why do we sin at all? Does His grace only keep us from the big sins? Do we not commit adultery because of God’s grace? Do we not murder because of grace?

My heart beats the heart beat of a sinner. T’is true. As much as I’d like to pretend otherwise, I sin. I have grace, but that grace is not a license to sin more. The Apostle Paul addresses this very thought, “Shall we go on sinning that grace might increase? May it NEVER BE!” (Romans 6:1-2 emphasis mine) I can’t expect to gain  more and more grace by committing more and more sin.  Not in the least! I have all the grace from God I could ever need. I can’t get more from Him because I don’t need more from Him. His grace, through Jesus atonement, bought my redemption.

Wow. I need no more grace.

Except from others. I do need others to extend grace because I still mess up and my mess ups affect others. Just tonight I had to apologize to two friends because I messed up.  They were both very gracious to me.

In case you’re wondering what all this has to do with Max Lucado and books called Grace. Mr. Lucado has written a wonderful book called simply, Grace.  I can say it’s wonderful because, although I’ve only read the first chapter, I’ve read other books by him and the first chapter was exceptional!

One phrase caught my attention, “The Christian is a person in whom Christ is happening.”  Happening…that is in the present tense. Christ didn’t happen to us…He is happening.  I know we’ve all heard the cliches about God being a God of the present and He is. I think though we still tend to leave Him in the past.  I don’t want God to be a God of my past and I don’t want Him to just be a God of my future. I want Him to be God of my Present.

Grace brings God to the present. He didn’t happen to us at some point in historical time. He IS happening to us and in us.

He hasn’t lived–He IS living
He hasn’t walked–He IS walking
He hasn’t taught–He IS teaching
He hasn’t saved–He IS saving
He didn’t intercede–He IS interceding
He hasn’t loved–He IS Loving (and is, in fact, Love)
He hasn’t come–He IS coming.

There are a million or more things God IS doing that we tacked on -ed to instead of bringing it to the present with an -ing.

I want to bring God to my -ing. I want to realize anew and a fresh that He is not only IN my present but He IS my present.  I want to walk and live like this in an ingrained reality. I want to revel in His presence in my present.  I want to know His grace, to experience it with all of my senses so I can in turn be a conduit of His grace to others, so I can bring Him and His presence into their present as well.

Imagine what would happen if we as believers did this? Staggering and more than a little mind-blowing.

Wow!