In case you haven’t noticed I’m white. Whiter than white. I am white to the very core. And it bothers me. Greatly.
From my earliest days I have been fascinated by “brown” people. Honestly that is what I thought they were. The first time I heard the word “black” in reference to a color of skin I thought they were warped because everyone can plainly see they aren’t black, they are a beautiful shade of brown. When I was around 6 my sisters and I all wanted dolls for Christmas only I was rather specific I wanted a “brown baby”, no white baby for me.
I got one. (And shock of all shocks I just found the doll on ebay,http://www.ebay.com/itm/RARE-1976-Mattel-Tender-Love-N-Kisses-Black-Baby-Doll-/320648069627?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item4aa81d41fb#ht_623wt_1037) I named her Jaffa Banana-Scotch.
Can I be honest and just say brown people still fascinate me. Honestly I don’t know. I am the furthest thing from a racist, I have no thoughts at all of superiority, theirs or mine. I just love them. I have long longed for, and just thought, “Hey I should pray about it”, a black friend. In some way I feel my life would be complete if I had a black friend.
I mentioned I’m white to the core. I can’t sing. I can’t dance. Shoot I can’t even clap in rhythm. I don’t have it. I probably never will. When I dance, I scare myself. When I sing, I scare everyone else. I honestly believe that in Heaven I will be black. It just won’t be heaven for me unless I am black, so I can sing and dance and clap in rhythm.
I’ve decided there is a black girl deep inside me struggling to get out but she is trapped under all the white.
But tonight. Tonight hope reigns! I was chatting with some friends about my keloid scar. A few years ago I had a cyst removed from my neck and now I have an ugly keloid scar. I was telling my friend I just had to call and make an appointment for them to cut it out and take out another cyst, when another friend looked at me and said, “You can’t do that!” I guess it just isn’t done. If you have that kind of scar, you have that kind of scar forever.
I was mortified. Honestly, I have worn my hair down more than usual just because it hides the ugly scar on my neck. But no more! I’m going to wear it up with pride and maybe even point out my ugly, beautiful scar because it means I have “very dark blood in my veins”. This same friend who told me I will have it for ever told me genetically brown/black people are more prone to keloid scaring and so it shows that I have black genes in my ancestry.
WAHOO!!! I am a BLACK WOMAN!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Isn’t funny how when we think something is ugly we will hide it for all it’s worth until someone tells us about it. Then we realize the scars we thought were ugly are really a thing of beauty. When I think of Jesus’ nail scared hands and feet, I don’t see ugly scar. No, I see a thing of beauty.
Just as His scars are beautiful, so are my scars when I give them to Him. The scars I try and hide so no one sees that I’m less than perfect, He takes and makes into a think of beauty.
Oh for the desire to trust Him enough to give my scars to Him.